My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
