He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
