thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
