Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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