I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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