I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
