the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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