Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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