I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Randomize
