I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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