my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
How's work?
Spinning.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
