Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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