i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
