I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
