dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
