I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
We're facebook friends in real life
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I pour the whiskey from now on
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
