your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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