I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
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