no, he came in my armpit
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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