Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
