u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
