Say something about gay babies.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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