I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
