I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize