she woke up with a sticky ear
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
