the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
God I need to hump something, right now.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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