what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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