so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize