So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
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