Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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