If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
