guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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