so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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