I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Randomize
