i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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