What a fucking waste of an outfit
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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