I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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