Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Randomize
