Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
