And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
