Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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