Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize