she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
