Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
