Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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