i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
