I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
