Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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