oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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