well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
