so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
