don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
