you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
