Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
