You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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