My cat gives me a boner
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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