I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
