So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
