I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
