i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
