when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
It's official drugs can't kill me
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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